Before becoming an evil overlord or overlady, you need to understand that there are certain individuals who will to try and stop your nefarious deeds. These misinformed chums are known as the Forces of Good, the Forces of Light, and so on.  Nothing is more frustrating when you're ready to unleash your robotic legions and invade all of Europe; they pop up out of nowhere and stop you.

So you’re wondering who these people are exactly. Why would they do the things they do? What could they possibly find wrong with conquering the earth and an eternity of darkness? Let’s look closely at this unnatural, misguided mindset. Please take some time off your evil planning to review the three disturbing scenarios below.

“A Trespassing Child”

It is a bright, sunny day, the birds are singing, the clouds are clear, and life is horrible. You are standing in your front yard. In front of you there is a small lad, his pockets bulging with coins and money and he is carrying a cute, newborn puppy that is barking happily and licking the lad’s face. The lad is walking down your sidewalk, the nerve of him! Question: Should you lighten his pockets and teach him not to trespass?

Believe it or not, you, being a good guy and all, shouldn’t do any of those things. Even though allowing his puppy to taste human blood, thus turning it into an unstoppable killing machine would be amusing and would aid humanity, “good” guys don’t do that. Though his pockets are obviously weighing him down and letting him spend it on the wrong thing would hurt humanity, you should let him keep what he most likely stolen from his sister. Though teaching him not to walk around on your property would most likely convince his friends to not do so either, you must not since you are a “decent fellow.”

“Loan”

A plump, jolly looking man in all red and white with a long white beard and a ski mask smashes through a house window with the burglar alarms blaring and hounds barking at his heels. In his hands are two bulging bags full of what appears to be expensive silverware, coins, and cash. He cackles as he nears his bright red convertible, the very image of any evil overlord’s Santa. But wait! Suddenly a superhero in disgustingly tight spandex and cape lands in front of the kind old man, and with a corny flair of his cape and dramatic pose declares “Surrender, evil doer!” Question: Who are you? Jolly Santa or b-movie hero?

Believe it or not, you’re the prejudiced guy who has something against people who need to steal or starve and you have no fashion sense and must wear tights to “make you fly faster” or some similar lie. Though you, being a hero, never reflect on your own actions and only criticize those of others, you still somehow think you have the right to attack people without looking at the situation. Maybe the jolly man was wearing a ski mask because it was cold? Maybe the jolly man was getting his valuables because he is moving? Maybe he was taking a legal loan? Maybe the jolly man scared his own dogs so they attacked him, forcing him to activate his own burglar alarm to get police assistance. But no, you’re a “good guy” so none of this matters. All that matters is that your ego gets bigger and you find an outlet for your anger, even if it is on a hapless citizen.

“Freedom of Religion”

You have wandered upon an innocent religion that misinformed people label a pagan cult performing an ancient ritual of magic and sorcery. They are reading from a withered tome and as they chant out eldritch words a supernatural presence begins to materialize. It is a horde of supernatural entities, writhing and reveling in flames, raised to forcibly redeem those who would oppose this noble and old religion. Question: What do you do?

Shockingly, as part of the forces of good, you must be as disruptive and rude as possible to stop this legal expression of their faith. Instead of giggling with joy as these cute, flaming monstrosities cause rampant chaos all around, you must knock over a candle, causing the newborns to turn on their parents who just summoned them into existence and kill them before the monsters too cease to exist. In one fell swoop, you will have the babies killing their mommies and daddies and the babies inevitably losing their lives.

S U M M A R Y

I am sincerely sorry I had to create those situations for you, overladies and overlords. This horror of horrors do-goodness that must be despised at all turns is most likely our biggest threat. Brace yourselves, because next I am afraid I must show you the shallow, bright depths of the traits of heroes.