H O M E   S W E E T   L A I R

Picking the right Fortress is a daunting task for those unprepared, but with my continued assistance you can make the right choice.  Whether it be a studio apartment, a haunted mansion, an abandoned military base, or just your run of the mill sewer, it is important to make the right choice. Just remember, all Evil Overlords are megalomaniacs, so be sure to get something big. And, for the sake of safety, be sure not to choose the mountain that has perpetual lightning storms around it. I would advise aspiring Evil Overlords not take examples from Austin Powers or James Bond. You’re trying to win, not make people laugh or sit on the edge of their seat.

Volcano – A double sided sword, Evil Overlords must find a balance between harnessing the enormous power of geothermal power and the enormous danger of their thralls stumbling into a pit of lava. For some reason, premature eruptions may ruin your playhouse, and most Volcano lairs won’t be very close to a city, meaning you won’t be able to personally monitor the assimilation of humans into your regime.  When you’re done playing, it folds up nicely without revealing any of the missile launchers, artillery shells, laser cannons, or mounted autocannons.

Desolate Island – Though a great site for a missile silo, lonely islands often lack the presence of civilians to allow you to randomly pick out civilians to make an example of. If in need of a vacation, you should probably finish conquering the world before taking a break on a desolate island to relax. In retrospect, the abundance of natives allows for a great potential pool of worshippers or just a way to relieve stress. If chemical augmentations and adaptations are your preference, they’re also quite useful for guinea pigs when your henchmen become upset over
being test rats.

Horror House – Contrary to popular belief, scaring children at the local carnival is not evil or dictatorial. If your domain encompasses all of a mobile fair, then you truly have failed at life.  However, in contrast, you can have some fun with seemingly harmless objects. The Tunnel of Love can become the Tunnel of Terror, the merry-go-round can become the Perpetually Spinning Disk of Death, and the Ferris-wheel can become one large Gatling gun.

Orbital Station – Complete with free Star Wars, Star Trek, and Battlestar Galactica technology, these nerd temples are also functional. Capable of disrupting TV shows, using the magnification of water droplets in the atmosphere to amplify lasers, or just hiding from the heroes, orbital space stations are a valid choice even though very unpractical. The amount of training required to live in space, as well as the repercussions of living in free fall make it a costly choice, but the safety insured when you are miles above the earth may be well worth the price. The cost of a modern orbital station, however, is enough to fund multiple highly trained and well outfitted legions which could be hunting those who oppose you. Not recommended unless you’re bored.

Underground Complex – Where better to hide than below them? An intricate web of tunnels can allow the easy bombing of hostile citadels, while the natural protection of the earth will ensure safety from even the most dangerous nuclear devices. With effective quarantine measures, a properly built self sufficient underground complex can easily support an entire population while easily isolating any possible threats using six meter thick reinforced rolled tungsten steel plating. Be aware, however, the honeycomb network of lava ducts don’t always stay dormant, and it is much more efficient to build in them, they often flood with slightly warm magma.

Castle – Cliché is all there is to say. Though atmospheric, desolate, and great for inspiring terror, it is useless if you plan to rule more than a few cobblestones and a crumbling wall. Even before ballistic explosive missiles were developed, an amazing technology called catapults able to launch ballistic kinetic missiles was developed, able to take down many “invincible” fortresses.

S U M M A R Y

There is no clear choice for your base of operation, though it is strongly advised an Evil Overlord not get too attached to one structure in particular. After all, you want to take over the world, not sit in your throne room and enjoy fancy wall paintings all day. Functionality is vital, and there should always be multiple other fallback lairs. If all else fails, you can always move into your mother’s basement.

Below is an example of what NOT to use, as found on http://galactanet.com/comic/80.htm