Doomsday Weapons Part One

S U M M A R Y

Doomsday Device

·         Device with unneededly bright explosions and flashing lights that somehow manages to malfunction just as the timer reaches 0:01.

·         Item that envokes a day (or more) of doom.

·         How you’re going to make humanity obey you when you follow this guide and become Evil Overlord.

1.      If it’s as good as advertised, the seller would have already taken over the world.

2.      If it’s scattered about the Earth, it’s probably safer to just produce it in a private laboratory or buy it on EBay.

3.      If it has been taken apart and scattered across the globe to prevent people like you from getting it, then it probably won’t work. Otherwise, it would never have been disassembled or built in the first place.

4.      If the activation of the Doomsday Device causes drowsiness, weakness, loss of appetite, or sudden, extreme fatigue, you should take a nap before using it, or convince a mindless minion of yours to use it in your steed.

5.      If you obtain a weapon from a previous Evil Overlord who suffered some defeat after it was finished, then it should be used as a door stopper – nothing else.

6.      Ransoming a city isn’t as efficient as taking it over and using it as a production capital, selling all the useless and priceless relics in the museums as well as all other non-war related items.

7.      If you obtain a Doomsday Device, you should immediately activate it at full potential and direct it towards your goals, whatever they may be. No warning shots across the bow, no threats before it is complete, and no “This is only a fraction of my power, surrender!”

8.      If the doomsday device isn’t at full power, you shouldn’t bluff and tell the hero you can crush them. They’ll just keep trying even if you’re not bluffing about it, so you won’t gain anything.

9.      No Doomsday Device that requires the throwing of a maiden into a volcano is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in a few minutes' stolen time. Besides, do you really trust the mountain god to give you a weapon that could easily have been used by him to coerce millions of said maidens to throw themselves into the volcano?

10.  If the Doomsday Device must be controlled by an electronic device, it should be implanted in your brain as a neural augmentation. However, a fake set, directly next to the power source and being used a grounder for the electricity should be easily accessible by any sneaky hero.

11.  “Almost impossible” and “incredibly microscopic chance” is not valid descriptions of the ability for a hero to deactivate the Doomsday Device.

12.  Mass effect, mind altering spells are not long term solutions to a grumpy population. Eventually, your subjects will breed immunity, and the population that you made love you will begin to hate you. Or worse, an outsider not susceptible to the initial spell will grow suspicious and, being a cruel, fun hating bastard, will try to stop the mindless happiness of your population.

13.  Just because it’s old doesn’t mean it’s good. Don’t scramble for the ancient Aztec artifact of ultimate strength when you have a modern laser satellite of ultimate blasty burny.

14.  Power doesn’t corrupt. Over-reliance on technology or magic is not a bad thing. Aesop was an idiot! Don’t hold back when you try to grab that power!

15.  Don’t use giant Japanese fighting robots. Just don’t.

16.  If the weapon has a personality, you should immediately have it euthanized before it realizes you’re just using it and don’t really love it.

17.  If you get the weapon from someone else, immediately get rid of them so that nobody else will ever figure out how to destroy it or make another one. If it really is the ultimate doomsday weapon, you won’t need a better version or another version. If you have to use a Doomsday Device to crush a rebellion, then you have bigger issues than getting more weapons.

18.  Fear does wonders. You don’t have to deploy it in order to enslave humanity, but it’s a pretty good idea to be able to deploy it in the event you need to get rid of a few million soldiers.

19.  If you buy it from an alien race that admits to trying to encourage humans to kill each other, don’t hesitate to kill the aliens. They’ll probably just give another weapon to the hero just to mess with you.

20.  Don’t trust AI who have ADD to control the Doomsday Device for you. Don’t trust AI.