Chapter XII

E VI L  O V E R L O R D  F A S H I O N

Many aspiring tyrants stumble over the choice of what to wear from day to day. How is it that the true villains manage to look so evil, yet so dashing at the same time?

Pure Black – Throughout history, pitch black garments have been favored by the sadistic and the depressed. Nothing inspires more fear and screams “Heartless monster approaching!” than a suit as dark as midnight. Combined with some stubble on your chin, a pure black cape and leather jacket can make you appear tough, fashionable, and evil, while still maintaining that sneaky, ruthless appearance.  Best of all, a pure black business suit is accepted by standards today, and is great for when you need to crush the dreams of a small country hoping to get out of the third world rut in the road.

Monster Mutation – Fun for the whole family! Nothing is more fun than after killing the hero, ripping off their arm and attaching it to yourself. Remember, the size of your ego isn’t the only thing that matters; you also need a strong enough body to survive the endless wave of assassins the United Nations will be throwing at you. Best of all, if you get bored with one set of skin, you have no inhibitions about just gluing someone else’s on.  Nothing is more amusing than the expression of the hero when he debates his plan to thwart you with his sidekick, only to have their skin rip in half and you pop out, now knowing all their secrets.

Anonymous – Maybe you’re just shy, maybe you want to help humanity by enslaving it without having your parents being ashamed. Either way, secret identities aren’t just for heroes fearing collateral damage costs. Humans are more scared of what they can’t see, and if the person behind the legions appears mysterious and untouchable you will discourage those pesky revolutions of rock throwing, smelly serfs. Plus, in case you somehow manage to die, another person can take over using the same identity (or lack thereof) and continue your work.

Evil Twin – Because you’re smart enough to read this, then obviously your exact opposite is an idiot who has no plans for their life. Either by using cloning, being born into the role, finding an alternate dimension with a hero in it, or you were watching a soap opera and decided it looked cool, being the evil twin is always fun. However, one must remember at all times that merging with the good twin will KILL YOU. For some reason, the general population believes that merging yin and yang will make a complete, balanced entity. If complete and balanced involves suicide and failing at life, then go for it. If you end up both wearing identical clothing and somehow the insecure sidekick manages to grab a gun, then be sure to pretend that you’re the good guy. Say things like “Shoot us both so the evil one won’t escape!” or “Follow your heart, you always make the right decisions!” to trick the sidekick into thinking you’re the one with those hollow “virtues” and “empathy.”

Robotic Exoskeleton - There are many benefits to adopting a robotic exoskeleton, and so this option should not be overlooked. The aspiring monocrat that was once frail and weak can now become an unstoppable juggernaut, gaining the strength of ten men and the durability of a tank. Gatling guns and lasers can be attached to the sides and arms, plus should your body ever be destroyed your head can simply detach and rocket back to your underground lair. The only real drawback is that you may experience occasional problems when you run out of gasoline and the nutrient supply to your brain suddenly stops, but as any evil genius will tell you, it is a small price to pay. Best of all, as technology advances, you can get bigger and bigger until you’re a planet yourself, capable of instantly squashing any rebellion.

Classical Villain – Whether you’re throwing grenades shaped like pumpkins while riding a hovering skateboard or you’re just a brain in a jar that somehow manages to speak, classical villains are universally an excellentHORRIBLE choice. Seriously, you might as well shoot yourself in the foot. Inefficient is thusly defined; you won’t ever be lobbing a grenade or fighting hand to hand. You’re too delicate to waste in a war, you’re the commander, not the soldier.

Asymmetry – Symmetry is supposed to be a natural attractive feature, and any deviation seen as ugly. Apparently, no one told all the real Evil Overlords, or their followers. They take “cool clothes” to a whole new level. Why constrain yourself to pant legs of one length, or stockings that match, when you can wear one short and one long? For extra bonus points, why not have mismatched body parts? Nothing says Evil Overlord quite like a horn on one side of your head, or an angel with one wing! And it doesn't have to be that complicated: both good and evil can enjoy the duality that heterochromia implies.

Computer – As technology advances, the physical limitations of technology are lifted. One could fit over a thousand novels of a hundred thousand words each onto a chip smaller than their pinky’s fingernail, uncompressed. Efficiency is pushed to the extreme, so why not give up on those fleshy thoughts and convert them into a series of ones and zeroes? You will become effectively immortal, immoral, and it will erase your past personality. Great, isn’t it? Just imagine it, living forever with vast, accurate memories, and not a single original thought in your head…