S I D E K I C K S

All too often the Evil Overlords will trip over the sidekicks just as their sinister plans to invading Canada come to fruition. And so I will offer some insight into the correct way a sidekick should operate, so that you may prevent them from breathing as needed. Following are some short bullet points on what I would do if I somehow failed at life enough to be a sidekick.

1.      If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.

2.      I will wear full length pants. No tights. No leotards. No trying to make Batman homosexual.

3.      If the Hero calls for me from a dark, mysterious place I did not expect, I’ll illuminate the place, ask for the password, and then proceed with the utmost caution.

4.      If I fall in love with the Hero’s True Love, I will inform the Hero, then the True Love. They will help me get over and find someone else.

5.      If the Hero’s destiny is written in the prophecies that he is the one who will slay the Evil Overlord, then I won’t try. Obviously I’m not allowed to kill him.

6.      If I find a pit in a spooky abandoned place, I won’t throw a rock down to see how deep it is unless there’s a reason to do so.

7.      I will never say “Over my dead body!”

8.      I will not retrieve items for the Hero at night, alone, or from the overrun fortress.

9.      I will never wear a red coat when they’re beaming me down to the planet.

10.  I’ll plan in advance for any identical twins the hero will have.

11.  I will have my body cremated when I die just before the climax, so that I cannot come back as a zombie, bite the hero, and ultimately doom him even though he will defeat the Evil Overlord moments before succumbing.

12.  I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero with such frequency that I need to install a revolving door in the afterlife.

13.  I will never open a package addressed to the hero in a scrawling, jagged handwriting, do their laundry, root through their grenade closet, or spy on them.

14.  When the hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, take the bus, and let the car bomb blow up him for a change.

15.  I will not tell the Hero my plans for settling down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown. Especially not when we have just united after going through a maze.

16.  If the Hero has a nifty gadget, I will investigate how to obtain one for myself.

17.  If the Hero hurts my feelings, I will assume it was an honest mistake and only hold a grudge if he doesn’t apologize after the climax when I’m dying because I wandered off, heartbroken, and was ambushed by the Evil Overlord.

18.  The ship I’m in can just as easily sacrifice itself to destroy the Evil Overlord’s base without me inside it.

19.  I will tell the Hero any embarrassing secrets of mine so that the Evil Overlord cannot blackmail me.

20.  Before becoming a sidekick, I will inquire as to how the position became vacant.

21.  Even if my specialty is weaponry, my shirt will be buttoned and I will have sleeves.

22.  That captured spy does not actually love me.

23.  FedEx can deliver packages better than I can.

24.  I will exercise caution during the Heroic Struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death nor the heat of his fury to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.

25.  I will not go to town for information when I am regularly beaten to a pulp for doing so.

26.  If I find myself putting my faith in human nature, I will check my insurance policies.

27.  I will complement the Hero’s skills instead of trying to copy them.

28.  When the Hero tells me to wait in one place, I won’t sneak around and get captured for no reason.

29.  When selecting a love interest, I will keep an eye out for the spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type who is about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are either going to be the Hero’s girlfriend, or are more likely spies from the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to sweet-talk valuable information out of me or tempt me over to the other side.

30.  If the Hero warns me that my girlfriend is a Servant of Evil, I am in a perverse quandary. If I believe him and terminate the relationship, he will turn out to have been dead wrong, and the resulting alienation of affection will drive her to the Dark Side. If I don't believe him, he will turn out to be right, and I will be used as a pawn by my scheming paramour. I guess the only solution is to take my sweetie on a long vacation and not return until after the Heroic Struggle is completed.