T H E   G O O D   T R A I T S

The potential characteristic traits of all goody goodies are multifaceted and vary between individuals. Some are infested with one of the cumbersome traits more so than others, though almost all of the heroes will fall victim to the traits below.

Conscience: The most common trait. Naturally, it is driven by fear. Heroes will fear that they will regret their decisions, so they always try to pick the safest one, meaning they will obey the law and not try to enslave anything that knows how to lift more than a pound of weight. This can be exploited easily. Give the hero a choice between stopping a biological bomb from landing on his/her hometown and turning them all into flesh eating zombies or defeating you and he will always choose the bomb. This will give you a chance to send another bomb immediately so the hero becomes a zombie as well as his loved ones.

Adventurous: Often, heroes will seek thrill and excitement during their adventures. Oddly enough, they’ll go the extra yard to save the princess’ ugly sister, a clear waste of time. This is also easy to manipulate, since you can set up a challenge and claim the hero will never best it and steal your most prized possession. Pretend to be astonished when he does, then promptly flood his chamber with acid since he believes the danger over and your tricks exhausted.

Ambitious: Often, a hero’s crusade starts off with a failure. Whether at work or in their personal life, it encourages them to persevere and try harder despite the difficult times. This means they will always look towards the future, imaging a time when they will achieve fame and glory and be loved by all. Reality is cruel, and it is your duty to save them from their daydreams. Here’s an example. You capture a hero who had worked at McDonalds before becoming a hero. Should you put him in a prison cell or make him go back to McDonalds? Not only will sending him back to a dead end slave labor job be worse than any torture, it will make him give up on being a hero forever.

Honor: Members of the forces of good also tend to abide by a concept called honor. This is a code of rules that they will base their lives around and follow to the death if need be. What this really means is that they are too afraid to bathe in chaos and so need some aesthetic concept called "order" to cling to. It must be noted however that some evil people are foolish enough to possess codes of honor as well. Try not to fall into this trap because it will really cramp your style. Take the following example: "You did well, MacGyver! You managed to escape my maze of death! I won't kill you... this time." What the hell is that? Kill him for god's sake! He's only going to come back next episode and thwart your evil scheme using his rubber bands and duct tape!

Honesty: Another trait that has been witnessed among the forces of good. Because they will always tell the truth, no matter the consequences, because of the curious belief that honesty is the best policy. Anyone who has worked in politics or law can tell you that this is definitely not the case, but their foolish truth-telling can actually be used to your advantage. Simply put the heroes in a situation where they are forced to do something they don't want, or can't resist, and then have them be confronted about their actions. They'll have no choice but to admit to their misdeeds, and then their family/loved ones/pet dog will spurn them into a shamed retirement.

Courage: Continuing further, another rather disturbing hero trait is courage. For some unknown reason heroes will take a bullet for the president, leap into burning buildings or try to defuse the bomb instead of running for their lives. Why they're not wiped out already we'll never know. They also won't necessarily back down in the face of overwhelming odds, standing tall as your hundreds of minions surround them with pointy weapons. Bravery must therefore always be taken into account when dealing with the heroes, because just when you think you've got them beat they'll suddenly pounce on you with a dagger shouting, "Not today, Fritz!"

Pity: Perhaps a hero's greatest weakness is pity. The unthinkable will happen and your evil scheme will have gone all wrong. You will be blubbering for mercy with a knife at your throat… and they'll stop. Instead of killing you like the threat you are, they'll adopt a pose and say, "No. I'm not going to kill you. I'm not like you, evil guy!" They will generally then let the authorities take you away, whom you can of course always escape from. Be sure to use this Achilles heel whenever possible, as it will allow you to fight (and win) another day. I have yet to have this trick backfire.

S U M M A R Y

Manipulation is your greatest weapon. Use it every day. Prey on weakness, on faults, and victory shall be yours.