H E R O   T Y P E S   &   H O W   T O   T H W A R T   T H E M

To further help you identify the heroes, here are a number of the different archetypes and some various ways to deal with them.

Defender of Justice: The most common hero type is the defender of justice. These are the crime fighters and caped crusaders, the noble folk who uphold the law and try to stop evil in all its forms. These misguided champions are guaranteed to be a major thorn in your side, thwarting your schemes while spouting nonsense about truth, justice, and the (insert country here) way. They also like to form entire leagues of heroes, which means you might have to fight a whole team of these spandex-wearing maniacs. Keep on the lookout for them, for they are popular favorites and will often have entire towns rallying behind them.

How to thwart them: The defender of justice is perhaps your greatest enemy, and so you will want to annihilate them utterly. Use guns, explosives, poisons, whatever it takes to get them out of your hair. Just do it quickly, because they are a grievous threat and your greatest obstacle towards the destruction or taking over of the world.

Angry Cool Guy: Another hero that pops up everywhere these days is the angry cool guy. These gritty anti-heroes spell nothing but trouble and can usually be identified by their leather jacket, thick scar and three day growth of beard. They are generally known for their antisocial behavior, often getting into fist fights and barroom brawls for no good reason. Unfortunately, they also tend to do the right thing in the end, despite their contempt for the rules and "rebel without a cause" attitude. Don't even try to covert them, as nothing bring them more pleasure than giving a villain his due.

How to thwart them: Your best bet with the angry cool guy is to look even more gritty and hardcore. This will confuse their fragile minds and if you pull it off right, the audience may switch over to your side. With them rooting for you his power will be neutralized, and you can then dispose of him as you see fit.

The Bawdy Lass: The sleek and sassy heroine is yet another threat to your sinister schemes and should be avoided any way you can. Notable for their low necklines and razor sharp wit, they aren't afraid to speak their minds and will often put the more macho heroes in their places. This is their only good quality, however, because they otherwise feel a tremendous need to kick ass all over the place. They will smash your crime syndicate and foil your sinister schemes, all without breaking a nail. Avoid them if you can, because unless your minions are loyal you might just find them switching over to her side.

How to thwart them: There is typically a great deal of sexual tension between the bawdy lass and the angry cool guy, something that can be used to your advantage. Simply keep a lookout for arguing couples in disguise, and as they give furtive glances to each other move in for the kill.

Silent Loner: Many an evil-doer has fallen prey to the silent loner. You'll be sitting around, minding your own business and plotting nefarious deeds, when suddenly some mysterious stranger rolls into town and starts destroying all you have worked to create. They may come in the form of a lone gunslinger, mystical swordsman or one-man-army out for revenge. Whatever the case, know that they are nearly unstoppable and will oppose you at every turn. On the plus side they always travel by themselves, so at least you'll only have one opponent. One incredibly dangerous opponent, as these guys are tough and resourceful in ways you've never seen.

How to thwart them: The silent loner has no friends, and thus no one to vouch for him. It is therefore suggested you frame them for crimes they didn't commit, putting them in the wrong place at the wrong time. People believe what they see, and it looks quite bad if they are standing in the conservatory with a candlestick over the body of Colonel Mustard.

Cowboy: Though old and outdated, these thorns still jab you in the side. Though their vigilante actions are illegal at best, it doesn’t stop the authorities from respecting them. Their ability to lie and twist words is legendary, and a verbal confrontation may leave you confused and vulnerable. They use ancient revolvers that never need reloading, and he often swaggers to the point of appearing drunk. Worst of all, he is nearly impossible to understand. One moment you’re preparing to poison the well, the next he’s confusing you with some vague hybrid of Pig Latin, Apalachee Indian, and the long dead language, French.

How to thwart them: Use his age against him. Show him what your army of robots, zombies, and laser wielding sharks can do to a man. Splash some water on his revolver. Best of all, remember that he’s a cowboy at all times. Give his oversized pony an unhealthy dose of Eastern equine encephalitis. Give his herd some good old fashion Mad Cow. Or, my personal favorite, glue the swinging doors together so he can’t get into his bar.

The Sidekick: Beware the sidekick, in all his forms. They are not the harmless idiots you think them to be. These individuals are a real threat, and should be taken out at all costs. Why? Because they provide assistance to the hero just when they need it most. This might come in the form of a distraction, vital clue, or morale boosting one-liner. Occasionally they can even pull off a genuine rescue, saving the hero from an otherwise terrible death. You will therefore want to place them at the top of all your extermination lists, and be constantly vigilant towards their interfering and diminutive presence.

How to thwart them: Sidekicks are fairly easy to spot, as they have an annoying tendency to use such phrases as "Jumping Jillipers!" or "Golly Gadzooks!" Should you see any masked boys or girls uttering such inanities in your empire, have them put to death immediately.

Knight in Shining Armor: Exercise extreme caution when approaching this tin can man. Though his helmet appears to be a toaster, do not make the mistake of trying to feed this dangerous animal. Whether he is a Knights Templar, a regular Feudal knight, or just your run of the mill Round Table rust bucket, he’s often the most proficient hero at swinging a sharp metal stick around. Make no mistake, though his armor appears cumbersome and easily pierced by a simple crossbow bolt, he is invincible to all forms of kinetic assaults. His sword is, oddly enough, unable to become dull despite hacking through thousands of your Orcish hordes, and always is drawn and ready faster than humanly possible. Avoid direct confrontation.

How to thwart them: Sooner or later, physics have to apply to his armor. And when they do, you must be prepared. Put him in water or mud, he’ll sink like a rock. Put him in a warm place, he’ll begin to sweat, and sweat, and sweat. Always be prepared for the slightest dent, hole, or gap in his armor. Immediately send waves after waves of acid, snakes, exploding cars, arrows, fire, salt water, oil, boiling tar, rap music, vomiting cats, dentists without Novocain, Kevin Federline fans, piranhas, sharks, lasers, heat seeking missiles, dial up internet, Christian death metal, blood thirsty babies, cheerleaders, Canadian coins, too much of a good thing, elderly women/men who flirt, the movie “Material Girls” (I didn’t watch it), filoviruses, email spam, motivation posters that are obvious lies, Frenchies, and worst of all, EMOTIONS, the bane of all Overlords! Plus, the Knight in Shining Armor has probably never even had sunlight touch his skin due to his constant wearing of armor. Sneak a ray beneath his metal carapace and he’s sure to burst into flames. The exact same thing happens to me sometimes.

The Unlikely Hero: One of the more obnoxious hero types to emerge over the last several years is the wacky-wow-you'd-never-expect-them-to-be-a-hero hero. They can be anything ranging from a priest turned detective, gawky teenager sucked into the D&D universe or hooker with a heart of gold. They are universally annoying and tend to travel in packs, especially if age fourteen and a group of social misfits at Camp Wannacannitcha. Please understand it is vitally important you do not simply dismiss their side-splitting antics as harmless. Why? Because more often than not some chubby kid in glasses will save the day in the end, and you would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling kids. Worst of all, they have the ability to bend time and space. They hide in one barrel, you lift the lid, and they’re all of a sudden in another barrel directly behind you.

How to thwart them: Break the cliches and try not to be a bumbling and stereotypical villain. Don't gloat, don't reveal your evil schemes, and don't wear a rubber mask they can simply yank off and prove it was Old Man Munson all along. Remember, when the music begins to play, pump the steroids before chasing them down; it’s your duty. Instead of checking inside the barrels for the hiding kids, light the barrels on fire. Let’s see how their fancy bending of matter and reality likes some good old fashion fire. Spread some rumors that their lovable pet dog has rabies. Watch events unfold as animal control takes him away.

Woman Warrior: The woman warrior is one of the more dangerous hero types existing in the world today. They may be an amazon through birth, the daughter of a god or some sort of mythic figure, but they are always well-versed in the arts of war. In battle they normally wield a sword or bow, though some like using enchanted lassoes. They also tend to dress in armor that protects an amazingly small amount of their body from attack. This is perhaps their greatest weakness, but unfortunately can almost never be used against them due to the way they jump and flip about. Truly a force to be reckoned with.

How to thwart them: Best to send in the goons for this one and watch from afar. If that doesn't work, you may want to try the unthinkable and become their love interest. Your dashing good looks will undoubtedly force them to fall under your spell, and you can then move in for the kill.

The Swashbuckler: This is a rather unusual one. For some reason there are a number of heroes out there who like swinging from chandeliers while gripping a dagger between their teeth as they sweep up the damsel and go flying off into the sunset. Also known for their fabulous swordplay, the swashbuckler is as skilled in the arts of romance as he is in heroism. Master of the dance as well as the bedside, his very appearance can cause women to faint and hearts to swoon. Which is really rather peculiar, considering the puffy shirts and britches he likes to wear. One of the great mysteries of the ages. More recently, Swashbucklers have begun to lose their ability to speak clearly, and have begun to swing their arms like idiots while running.

How to thwart them: The swashbuckler is a true swordsman and will fight like a hundred men. Thus, send in a hundred and one. Also, since they tend to drink excessive amounts of alcohol, be sure to poison the breweries. Besides, are the alcoholics who die really that important to your plans?

The Wise Mentor: You will also want to watch out for the wise old mentor. These individuals generally tend not be your main antagonist, but are dangerous just the same. These are the ones that will send your nemesis on his fateful journey, who will teach him the arcane knowledge and martial arts moves necessary to stop you every time. They also typically have some sort of relation to you, be it as a former teacher or student. This can be quite bad, as it gives them an intimate understanding of the inner workings of your mind. They are at least fairly easy to spot, however, with most living on mountain tops or desert planets, wearing brown robes and uttering cryptic haikus.

How to thwart them: These fellows are actually pretty easy to stop. All you need do is challenge them to a duel and then strike them down with your superior skill. They'll mumble some nonsense about how destroying them only makes them stronger, but don't believe a word of it. They almost inevitably die just before your plans begin to unfold. For this reason, it is best to keep their death secret, and flaunt it to the hero at the climax of your battle with him. Normally, having their mentor slain strengthens their resolve. However, reveal the death to them at the right moment and they will be thrown off balance.

The Lovable Animal Companion: Perhaps most disturbing of all is the animal companions that tend to follow heroes around on their journey. Be it a loyal dog, falcon on the shoulder, or some sort of cutesy ferret-thing that’s always getting into trouble, these annoying little fools are heinous and spell nothing but trouble. For not only do they elicit annoying awwwwww's from the audience every time they appear on the screen, they also have the unfortunate habit of assisting their master at the worst of times, just like the sidekick. You'll have locked up the hero in your dungeon to rot for a thousand years, no hope whatsoever, when all of a sudden some damn monkey appears and squeezes through the prison bars with the keys.

How to thwart them: It is highly suggested you condemn all furry lovable animals to a terrible death in your kingdom. If not for protection, then for aesthetic value. I mean… To help reduce the pet overpopulation problem. Of course. I would never kill a useless, annoying animal that serves no purpose but to breathe OUR air.