D E A T H T R A P S
Death traps are a creative and useful method of disposing of garbage and unneeded characters, but can also be used to dispose of the main hero if you’re smart. These have been in use for centuries, and this is but a taste of the salty ocean of blood they can create.
Hall of Mirrors – One of the more popular locales of death. The hall of mirrors can be found in any funhouse or amusement park and is an excellent place for final confrontations with the heroes. Simply lure them in through any number of reasons (such as rescuing a hostage or stopping you at last), and then cackle with glee as they find you reflected back not once but a thousand times! If they try and attack they will find you are only an illusion, and no matter how hard they look they will be unable to locate the real you. You can then seal the exits and start seeping in the poison gas, finishing off those who would dare to stop you. And I feel this cannot be emphasized enough: use bulletproof glass casing on the mirrors. It doesn’t work if they break all the mirrors.
Maze of Death – Another time-tested classic. Tracing its history as far back as Greek legend, what could possibly be better than a gigantic labyrinth of death? These wonderful mazes are filled with so many twists and turns that escape is near impossible and nothing is ever as it seems. The faster they run, the more dizzy they get! Behind each corridor terrible death can await, through whirling blades and decapitating projectiles and stone statues come to life. You can even place a Minotaur in the middle, ready to devour anyone who crosses its path. The only problem is getting the hero to actually enter the maze, so you'll probably want to kidnap their loved one or sidekick and place them right in the middle. That is, in the Minotaur’s stomach, of course.
Bottomless Pit – Amusement galore. One stumble and they’ll fall until they die of thirst. Great casual entertainment for house guests to listen to their screams echo up. Low on budget? No problem! Just put one portal on the ground that leads to a portal on the ceiling directly above it. Consider installing a bottomless pit in your lair today!
Projectile Shooting Wall – Whether it is arrows, poison darts, or even spikes, this is usually a way to confuse the hero and force them to rush blindly ahead without thinking. Be sure the heroes can’t predict where they’re coming from, and if you can, light the darts or arrows on fire. Nothing is more amusing than roasted hero. Whenever the hero enters the maze, begin some creepy music. When they’re halfway done, turn the music off. They will arrogantly strut forward and be mowed down by projectiles. Works every time.
Chained to a Railway – The music is high tempo, the damsel is in distress, and you’re mugging to the camera while cackling maniacally. Yup, she's been chained to a railroad track, and the express is on its way. But wait, the hero frees her just moments before the train squishes them both. What’s wrong with that scenario? Too classical. You’re not a silent movie villain, be creative. Sadly, this is too old to work anymore.
Conveyer Belt of Doom – Tie the goodie to a conveyor belt, an ore cart, a log floating in a flume, or any other mechanized delivery system. At the other end is a blast furnace, grinding machine, large saw or other such friendly, lovable device, into whose open maw the object of value is expected to go. Other times there is no tying or items of worth are involved. The hero just finds himself somehow on a running conveyor belt and must avoid all sorts of machinery that, while doing its job, also has the annoying tendency to kill, maim and/or destroy any extraneous entities on the belt. Sometimes, while doing so, he gets stuck on something, and the situation reverts back to the original trope. Please, I beg of you, do not send your henchmen on the belt after him! They’ll all get horribly and invariably cut up, smashed, or dismembered by the machines.
Descending Ceiling – Deceptively-simple-looking device intended to turn tall, dark and handsome heroes into short, red and delicious meat patties. Please do not leave some object lying around in the chamber capable of holding back the ceiling long enough for an exit to be made or for the motor powering the ceiling to burn out. Fancy, expensive versions include spikes on the ceiling or floor that can sink into grooves in the floor, both squishing and impaling. Sadly, the ceiling often falls victim to the magic countdown paradox. One second, it’s inches above their head, the next, it’s all the way back at the top again.
Drowning Pit – There are some variations, but generally a room slowly fills with water, forcing the hero to take a dive to find an exit. This death trap has great potential to be very amusing, but is often used incorrectly. Firstly, the ceiling should be metal. Cold, impenetrable metal. Not ice that can be easily melted. Second, the room should NOT have any windows, period. The doors should open inwards if at all, and the chamber should be kept under negative pressure at all times. Lastly, if they have to swim through flooded corridors, make sure to mislabel the exit signs. Instead of heading towards the exit, send them to the shark tank.
Locking Freezers – Freezers don’t lock on the outside. Don’t insult yourself by making doors like this. Put them in a chamber especially designed to freeze humans that can make a flamethrower, drill, and C4 out of duct tape and paper clips. Not a container designed for unmoving meat that doesn’t try to chew a way through the reinforced steel door (and somehow heroes can succeed doing that). If multiple heroes are together, you can often expect them to reveal some truths about themselves. Perfect time to snoop and learn their weaknesses in case they escape. Always plan ahead.
Sauna of Death – Last time I checked, saunas don’t lock either. However, if you enjoy steamed vegetables, you’ll love doing this to heroes. Leave them in long enough and their flesh will wrinkle just right to be chewy and delicious.
Lava Pit – Something most heroes forget; heat rises. Contrary to childhood games, merely avoiding direct contact will not save you. Humans cannot walk close to lava; you cannot jump from rock to rock above lava. They will be invariably cooked. Remember, lava also emits toxic gases, blinding heat, and ashes in the air. Here’s a personal tip. Pour some ash on top of unmoving lava, you can form a thin layer similar to quick sand. The top appears safe, though a bit warm, though put a few pounds on top, and the ash will hold up a human as well as a tissue could. This is probably one of my personal favorites, since heroes often do not have any knowledge of basic physics.
Conventional Torture – Maybe it doesn’t belong here, but here it is; torture. It can be slow, it can be quick, but it is always painful and goes so much better with a little gloating. Often, however, this is inappropriate to show on your daily Overlord Happy Hour of Bunnies, Propaganda, and Chocolate broadcast. There is a difference between telling them your scheme and gloating, be sure to know which is which. Describe what it does, not how. Don't just cut the victim, tell them about it, and describe every last detail to make them squirm. You can describe things that convince the hero that you are either irredeemably evil, criminally insane, or both. Alternatively, it is equally amusing to describe what a death trap does, I quote: "Every time you drop a bead of sweat on the plate below you, you will be lowered an inch towards the pit. Inside the pit is a ravenous pack of razor-toothed flying lemurs with lasers on their heads who have been trained to kill anyone with your particular blood type. You stand no chance of surviving this grisly fate, as I have just turned up the thermostat."
S U M M A R Y – I give you the ten commandments of death traps: