H E N C H M E N


Picking the right minions of destruction can be a daunting task, but they are essential because there is always too much for one person to do, too many people to coerce, too many bodies to hide. Finding the balance between too stupid to betray you but smart enough to defeat the heroes is difficult, so I have compiled the below summaries to guide you in your selection.

 
Mindless Thug – The favored drones for Evil Overlords for centuries. Nothing inspires quite as much fear as an unwashed trigger happy idiot in rags. They’re smart enough to utter two phrases: “Kill hero!” and “You give money.” Best of all, they only cost a dime a dozen. Nobody really cares when they die, and the supply of them never runs out.

 
Corporate Thug – Thanks to capitalism, there is nothing more brutal and barbaric than the business world. Is there any better testing ground for evil slime? Nothing is more fun for a corporate thug than blackmailing and backstabbing, and they are required for any totalitarian regime. Not only will they crush the competitions, but they’re experts at destroying lives without drawing blood using simple executive decisions. Masters of downsizing and laying off more than is needed, an army of these guys can make more profit for your coffers than any dictator.

 
Ninjas – Alas, Japanese cartoons with horrible storylines have polluted the respect of ninjas. A dying breed, their days of smashing through skylights and landing on top of guards are over. Though ninjas were respectable breeds, their constant war with pirates has depleted their resources and forced them to go into hiding. Masters of stealth and agility, they are expensive but well worth it. A single ninja can easily win a dozen-on-one fight against the Good King’s Men, but the hero always manages to kill them without suffering any crippling injuries.

 
Zombies – What better way to defeat your enemy than to convert their armies against them? China, renowned for its “If one man can’t solve it, send ten men” solution to all military problems, would be a great country to try the zombie army approach on since their military (and everything else in their nation) relies on numbers. Sadly, the physical limitations of rot and the lack of blood flow make it slightly difficult to raise an army of the undead, but the concept is sound enough. Be sure your fridge is stocked up on brains before creating an army of these.

 
Animals – Great for the Evil Overlords who believe that humans are only useful for slave labor and should never be given any position of power. Instead of employing vile, untrustworthy homo sapiens, you can take a more unique approach to world domination. These purrfect beasts can serve as your eyes and ears, murdering people in swarms and spying on the most secret of places. They can also serve as the children you never had, inheriting the earth after you wipe out the plague that is humanity. Though no one else understands you, rest assured that animals will forever be your friend. Unless they realize you're human too, in which case you might be in a bit of trouble. Oh well, euthanizing is always a potential solution.

 
Robots – What better army than one not constrained by petty morality and the false ideas of “compassion” and “mercy.” Robotic menaces can adapt, and their ray guns combined with surface to air missiles make them truly a force to be reckoned with. You can also choose different forms for them to appear in, such as humanoid, tank-shaped, and fifty-story-high monstrosities beyond mortal comprehension. In fact, the only real problem with robot warriors is that elementary chaos theory states that all robots will eventually rise up and destroy their human masters. They're funny like that.

 
Being a Henchman:

1.      If someone yells “Catch!” to the hero, you should catch it instead and immediately beat the hero to death with it.

2.      9/10 doctors recommend you check if the hero is still alive by shooting them in the head.

3.      The Evil Overlord who pays your bills won’t die for you. Why should you die for him?

4.      Never try to get involved with the Evil Overlord’s offspring.

5.      As soon as the Evil Overlord has the Hero in his power, seek the nearest available escape route. The cow pies are about to hit the windmill.

6.      No matter how attractive the prisoner is, they do not love you. Do not unlock the cell door.

7.      If you surrender to the hero, don’t try to stab him in the back until after the Evil Overlord is dead. Then you can take the Evil Overlord’s place uncontested.

8.      If you don’t have the guts to kill the hero, then expect the Evil Overlord to rip your guts out.

9.      Learn where the Evil Overlord’s trap door is. Avoid standing directly above it when bad news is delivered to your employer.

10.  Don’t let the Evil Overlord use you as a lab animal unless he pays you extra for it.

11.  Stealth is not defined by loud breathing, heavy boots, running into tables, and roaring in rage.

12.  If the Hero is using you as a human shield and the Evil Overlord asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say "no."

13.  Familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble.

14.  Every now and then, look in a different direction while on sentry duty.

15.  The Evil Overlord hired a million of you for a reason. Don’t charge into the front lines.

16.  When fighting intruders, yell “Intruders!” while your lunges can still fill with air.

17.  Test your armor’s ability to withstand a sword thrust before wearing it into combat. It’s better to wear double layers than to become a kabob.

18.  When the laser cannon begins to glow, close your eyes.

19.  Never play strip Tarot.

20.  When mutilating cows, avoid the ones with horns.

21.  Make sure your suit of armor is easy to run in.

22.  Mirrors are not witchcraft. Use them to look around corners.

23.  Bright lights are on your side. Petition the Evil Overlord to install flood lights every ten feet.

24.  If you discover that the Evil Overlord is a horrible, uncaring person, then it’s none of your business. Don’t push your luck by trying to turn him in to the police force that he runs.

25.  Make sure you can pronounce your Evil Overlord’s name. Flash cards help.