E V I L  O V E R L O R D  S C E N AR I O S

Sun Tzu states “Know yourself, you will win one in a hundred battles. Know your enemy, you will win fifty in one hundred battles. Know yourself and your enemy, and you will win every battle.” So, now that I have reviewed those illogical imbeciles known as heroes, I will review how what you strive to be, an Evil Overlord, reacts to various situations.

 “Intruder”

You are patrolling your lair when you find a tall, muscular human male attempting to sneak through into your throne chamber. Not only is he horrible at stealth and guile, his garments are bright crimson and white, easily seen despite the darkness. His dramatic jumping and sudden stops show an obvious mental disability, as does his inability to stop smiling gaily. So, the question is asked, what do you, an Evil Overlord, do to this idiotic intruder?

An important part of being an Evil Overlord is creativity. You must always have multiple plans. For example, you could simply kill him and feed his corpse to your goblin minions, or you could try to persuade him to join your side. You could torture him until his meager brain is blank, then have him become a sleeper agent; or you could coerce and lie your way into forcing servitude. However, there is a limitation on your potential course of action. You could not kindly inform his ill developed brain that he is doing the wrong thing; you could not beg him to leave you alone. To show even the slightest weakness would be suicidal for anyone as smart and powerful as you. The preferred course of action would be to use your overwhelming charisma to convince him that he is lying to himself, that you are the real good guy, and that he must serve you in your quest to save humanity from itself by enslaving it.

“Betrayal”

The closest thing you have to a friend has lied about you behind your back. Spreading nasty rumors that just aren’t true and blatantly trying to turn the masses against you using their idiotic gossip circle. When confronted, they outright ignore your inquiries about the blasphemous slander, and are growing more and more agitated at your questions. As the rumor festers, slowly people you never met before begin to sneer at you and laugh when you approach. Though a social life is insignificant and useless, one must always work to remedy problems. What would an Evil Overlord do?

Prioritizing the key elements of the issue is vital. Step one: you must eliminate the source. Yet again, many options are available, but the ideal one would be spreading worse lies about the quisling you once called a friend. This will do two things. First, it will make them suffer and persuade them never to do it to you again. Second, it will discredit them and allow the rumors about yourself to die off silently. Step two: you must eliminate the rumor fast. The average American peasant will believe what they read, so you must print and print and print. Drowning the public in propaganda is a key element in any plan, and even more so when you are attempting to dispel vile lies. Step three: make one hundred percent sure it won’t happen again. Reputations are petty and idiotic, but as an Evil Overlord you must view everything as a potential tool. Just like the Russian Mafia, you must build up your visage as one not to be messed with.  Be cautious, however, walking the boundary between legality and efficiency is like waltzing across a tight rope made of rusty metal barbs.

“Final Confrontation”

As you rush to activate your ultimate doomsday device that will indubitably grant you your wildest dreams, your arch enemy appears to thwart your carefully laid plans. The mere thought of some heartless bastard crushing the culmination of decades of planning and hard labor makes you want to weep, but you suppress the feelings as your conditioning trained you to do to all emotions except hatred. But wait! You (somehow) forgot to plan how to defeat the hero! What will you do?

Contrary to popular belief, you will not attack them immediately without a plan. You will carefully stall for time, hitting the precise emotional weak points (which you, an emotionless person do not have) that will befuddle their cogitative processes and allow you to knock them off guard as your vastly superior mind begins to formulate a plan. During the complex intellectual clash, you will signal your commando body guard unit to immediately respond. Since you wish for victory, you will stop at nothing to win. Lying is essential, as is building their confidence to make them reckless. Act the exact opposite as how you should be acting; offer peaceful resolutions, beg for mercy, ask for an honorable one on one first. And, as soon as you fall under the slightest threat, place four meters of reinforced tungsten between you and them and send in your commando soldiers. If all else fails, take them down with you. At least then you will be remembered for something.

S U M M A R Y

As you can see, Evil Overlords are the pinnacle of logic, creativity, and efficiency. Our actions must be carefully calculated, precisely executed, and always must provide some benefit. Poorly planned, sloppily executed, and selfless actions are the plight of all Evil Overlords. Foresight, skill, and reason must be on the top of your check list for all your master schemes.

If you decide not to be an Evil Overlord after reading this and somehow escape my assassins, then if nothing else, obey only one thing. Not tradition, not customs, not the desires of others. Obey logic.