Cruelty – Pity, remorse, and general mental handicaps cause the downfalls of aspiring youths everywhere. Logic dictates that you must not be constrained by petty moralities and ethical codes. Lines must be drawn, however, between being cruel and being wasteful. Killing an innocent to establish discipline and renown is fine, but killing a majority of the working class is going a bit far. If you’re sadistic and enjoy suffering, that’s fine. Just be sure to limit your recreational activities one at a time and limit your addiction to one victim a day.
Heartlessness – “But emotions define humans. You can’t just discard them.” the physiatrist told me. Scoff at those who dare make such claims. Humans are defined by their capacity for labor. Those who ascend, and rise above the low expectations placed by society that define a “human” are instead defined by their abilities and usefulness. Those who transcend, and discard all the lies society buried them in, know that only intellectual capacity determines the amount a mind can be useful. Emotions encumber Evil Overlords on their quest for world domination. Cast them aside, and let your eyes see true the shackles placed on mortals by society and dictionary descriptions of “normal.” Heartless minions are also a useful resource, their inability to show mercy making them (oddly enough) a rare breed. Be aware, though, Messiah-type heroes often try to heal the “emptiness” in your soul, which will inadvertently kill you. Anti-heroes and loners often are heartless, but they were lazy and never finished opening their eyes and think you are a “threat to society” or some other hogwash.
Distrust – How better to describe an Evil Overlord than with the trait of distrust? Extend one hand in friendship, all the while hiding the other hand that is clutching the knife behind your back. Logic clearly shows that you cannot be betrayed if there is nobody who has any power but you. Besides, there is the key fact that you cannot trust what is inferior to you. Unconditional, blind faith will lead to your downfall. However, some form of trust is essential if you plan to stay in power. Forcing them to rely on you will allow you to manipulate them with little worries. Constant testing, lying, and general mean stuff will ensure they are kept guessing and allow you to see the slightest falter in any potential disguise your closest adviser is putting up in the hopes of betraying you.
(Lack of a) Conscience – The infamous little voice in the back of your head telling you to waste your life. Evil Overlords often have theirs being drowned out by the whispers of the swelling crowd of voices, but it is important to know why you should ignore it if you aren’t gifted with insanity. The damned little voice often nags at you when you do something you regret, trying to force you into suicidal depression. It obviously can’t tell the difference between acknowledging and correcting the mistake or allowing the mistake to ruin your life. That is why, like so many other useless, illogical parasites in the world, you must obliterate it. Without one, you will never make the same mistake twice, never become sad, and never develop self loathing habits.
Foresight – Since heroes are always focused on the present, they often blunder into your traps and manage to lose their friends. But Evil Overlords can easily see into the future using a simple process called thought. Though crystal balls, tarot cards, and witchcraft make a fine substitute, they are often costly and can be rigged in favor of the Light Side. Being constrained by what you are told will be the future is worse than suicide. Evil Overlords are not only the masters of their own lives, but also the lives of the serfs who dig in the great wheat mines of Canada.
Creativity – Scientific studies on low latent inhibition has proved that psychosis can be directly related to creativity. Heroes always choose the same bash and smash routine, while Evil Overlords have a giant list of possible options. Evil Overlords are not tied down by the need to “save all humans from death.” Being able to successfully mold the world into your image requires creativity and the ability to adapt. Decisive actions that overwhelm your misguided oppositions’ feeble minds will allow easy, efficient world domination.
Arrogance – Because if they were better than you, then you wouldn’t be the one oppressing them. Self assurance, confidence, and pride to the extreme, nothing is more useful than not having to lie when you say “I’m better than you.” It is simple human psychology that when their primitive minds see someone who is certain they are correct, then they too believe they are correct. Besides, life is much more entertaining when you know the best possible friend for you is yourself.
Insanity – First, a quick statement. Insanity is an opinion created by society. And aren’t teenagers always being told that they would be unique and not try to be normal? Admit to yourself that you’re not constraining your mind, that you’re letting your mind become the best it can, and you have taken another step on the long trek to becoming an Evil Overlord. When the hero confronts you during the climax and claims that you’re insane and will never succeed, cackle with glee at the irony and promptly teach them that your success involves killing them, and you will succeed.
Genius – If you fit all the trait descriptions above, then you already are a genius. Nothing is more essential for an Evil Overlord, and less essential for a hero. I mean, come on, if they were smart, then they wouldn’t be a hero. This trait makes Evil Overlords stick out from terrorists, murders, smugglers, gamblers, gangsters, and other wimpy villains who never have any life goals. Evil Overlords, being geniuses, know that you don’t want to waste money trying to destroy an entire friggin planet that is 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000 metric tons or taking over every TV channel to broadcast a ransom price on the country. Often, geniuses never have to waste their time with political affiliation except when they are doing so for personal gain. The ideal Evil Overlords are smart enough to know the simple fact that only their own opinion matters, and that they’re never wrong about anything.