Cultist – What better way to obtain infint power than by begging an omnipotent being for it? Whether you’re an avatar to the diety, a priest, or a lowly cultist, this may benefit your quest in two ways. First, religion is a great way to encourage people to die for you. For some reason, humans are a lot more willing to die if they think they’ll be rewarded for it. Second, Cthulhu is sure to kill you last when he destroys the species if you do his work. And before he does, you’ll get the pleasure of being the most feared, hated, renowned, and powerful homo sapien on Terra. Best of all, you’ll have made a difference in the world! There are multiple ways to become a true cultist dictator: Find a copy of the Necronomicon; Awaken the Mummy and give him fresh humans as food; Wait till the stars are right for Ctuhlhu to wake up; Steal the Tiki idol from the volcano god worshipping islanders; Accidently bleed onto an Indian buriel ground; Pay attention when the voices say “Just let us in… We won’t hurt you…”; Read up on the apocalypse, armageddon, ragnarok, and the general “uh oh we’re all dead” stories. Once you've let the monstrosity take over, there's really not that much left to do except sit back and watch. And scream in anguish. And claw your eyes out. And feel the flesh rip from your bones as the ancient god is reborn again and grows forty stories tall and devours everything that exists and brings about the destruction of all humanity.
Cult Leader – Cultists are often blind, as detailed above, and can be easily manipulated. Sadly, if you decide to be one, you often are narrow minded and won’t really end up ruling the planet. However, a cult leader backed up with an army of brainwashed fanatics will have much better luck befriending their deity. First, you’ll need charisma, and lots of it. Second, you’ll need really bad personal hygiene, and the inability to shave your face. Third, you’ll need to have pitch black eyes. Easy, isn’t it? Now, you just need minions. The ideal place is at a street corner where there are no other religions recruiting (are there any street corners meeting that description anymore?). Remember the three laws of recruitment. You have to be incoherent, frothing at the mouth, and have a violent twitch. The people who are gullible enough to join your cause are often more than willing to give up all their possessions just so you can eat solid gold turkey for dinner.
Apocalypse Rider – The four horsemen, we all know the story. Death, pestilence, war, and famine. Don’t let the religious tie in dissuade you, this is a valid position for all evil overlords. If nothing else, this will look great on any college applications, and it will give you valuable experience. When you’ve gained enough power by destroying the world, you can betray the other three Riders, steal their powers, and rule the world alone.
Generic Mastermind – Every Evil Overlord tries to be an Evil Mastermind at some point or another, but you have to wonder; if there’s so many of them, why are there still democracies in the world? Face it, masterminds don’t always get the job done. Though they’re incredibly powerful in the cinema, for some reason they never look to the future. They never expand and try to take over something more than the Warehouse on Dock 7 despite the fact they own an army of thugs and trillions of dollars. Just in case of a possible threat, be sure to send an army of thugs to teach the hero a lesson, not just two at a time with a baseball bat.
Necromancer – The hardest part of being a crypt keeper is getting into the exclusive club. Common on ramps include; being a grave robber, making books made of human skin and blood, and hanging out with possessed preteens who claim to see dead people. For some reason, necromancers lack memory, and without a Book of the Dead, they won’t be able to raise and command an undying army of the dead. Ignoring the blatant paradox of un-death, you can find most evil tomes in movies starring Bruce Campbell, Lake Braddock Secondary School, or my locker. Over time, as your undead army grows, you’ll need more corpses to overwhelm those military bases. Consider making your own, robbing a graveyard, or just visiting the slums of DC. Your newly raised children will be your instrument of inflicting a slowly walking, groaning wrath upon the world. Be careful, however, it is nigh-impossible for a human jaw (especially one with the muscles rotten away) to chew through a human skull easily. Be sure to hand feed them brains. Be aware being covered in tomb rot may make you smell a bit bad.
Capitalist Bastard – Thanks to capitalism, it is quite easy to dance around the legal system and do incredibly horrific, unfair business actions without breaking a single law. Almost as evil as lawyers, Capitalist Overlords are the pinnacle of heartlessness and ruthless victories. Be warned, however, hiring Capitalist/Corporate thug henchmen will be dangerous. They, like you, will crush their superiors to get to the top. Find some nice, brainless cannon fodder instead. As your corporation expands, you can slowly swallow up smaller local businesses, becoming stronger and gaining a monopoly on human life.
S U M M A R Y
What have we learned so far? That originality is the best choice. Shape your own stereotype, be the unexpected, and combine the best of them all. Limiting your life by rules is the exact opposite reason most people join the ranks of Evil Overlords, so don’t be limited by what I tell you. For all you know, I may be tricking you so I can slim down the competition.